Grace

Sick sister cuddle session

Today I'm swimming in a pool of appreciation and thanks.  Feeling so grateful that Abby was sick last week and had no seizures.  Is there a word that's even bigger than grateful?  Maybe all caps and an annoying overuse of exclamation points?  GRATEFUL!!!!!  It's been a rough couple months in the health department and our house has been hit with croup, the stomach bug, ear infections, good ole fashioned random viruses and then Hand Foot Mouth disease.  Seriously, could we please find a more disgusting name for a virus?   But I guess it's fitting.  

Abby was 6 days short of being seizure-free for one year when she caught some sort of virus from Lucy's croup, ran a 100 degree fever and later that day had 19 seizures within an hour.  The day before, I was quietly planning a small celebration. We had just had her 2nd birthday party, so nothing too big but still something special to mark a wonderfully, fabulous seizure-free year for our little angel.  I didn't realize how tightly I was hanging on to that milestone until it slipped from my hands.  Like making it through an entire year would mean locking her door against all things harmful, protecting her healing brain forever. It blindsided me seeing her go from just feeling a little down and out to being completely lethargic, eyes rolled back followed by her tiny body involuntarily jerking.  It just wasn't on my radar anymore as naive as that sounds.  And my heart broke to pieces.  I was furious.  I was terrified. It all came rushing back like a mad flood, carrying me back to the days of 50 seizures a day, where I was certain we were to stay.  But that night her fever went away and took her seizures with it. 

Then three weeks later she had an ear infection, 102 degree fever and 8 seizures.  She was in La Jolla with Jarvie seeing Dr. Centers, and I almost dropped the phone when he told me.  Funny how quickly shock can sneak back into your space. 

Feeling down and cute

Two separate bouts of seizures triggered by fever and sleep deprivation.  So this past week when she had yet another ear infection and two-day fever my edgy, stressy self was not so much anticipating a seizure or spending the day staring at her with anxiety.  But I was tip toeing around the probability of it happening, not wanting to really think about it in case the law of attraction really exists.  But here we are, Abby covered in red pimply sores (because when it rains, it pours and what better way to celebrate an ear infection than to pile on hand foot mouth), feeling back to her happy, curious self.  Trucking through those feverish days with no seizures.  Thank you, God.

And in my same prayer of incredible thanks for this, I'm asking for forgiveness.  Forgive me for accidentally feeling entitled.  For forgetting what an enormous blessing every day is that Abby does not have a seizure, every day that she makes progress, every day that we have breath moving in and out of our bodies. Of course I noticed that she didn't have a seizure during this sickness.  Of course I was happy about it and thanked God for it.  It was acknowledged, smiled upon and then I went on about my day.  But with the busy-ness of life and the comfort and complacency we find in the good and "normal", it's all too easy to brush through some amazing blessings.  So I'm on my knees now screaming THANK YOU!!!